Fat is better than dead

I’m starting a third week of prednisone. I’m fluctuating between exhausted and wired, depressed and elated. It’s a very weird feeling. I have hours of productivity followed by a feeling of utter hopelessness. I’m physically seeing the effects of prednisone and the treatments. I don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk to about how I’m feeling. My instinct is not to ask for help or share my vulnerability. Soldier on, no matter what, has always been my motto. 40 years of it. It wears on me.

Hence, brain dump.

I’ve been reading up on minimalism and reducing the excessive in my life. One of the benefits of prednisone has been obsessive thinking … mostly it’s been about work and self care. I’ve also been thinking about my mortality. Which leads me down some interesting thought paths.

First of all, I am becoming acutely aware that my marriage is winding down. I know that he works hard to provide for us financially and we wouldn’t be able to have the things we have without him. Emotionally, he’s not present. He is building his brand. He is becoming who he is, more and more every day. In years past, I would have resisted and raged against this. I would have seen his changes as a personal attack. Admittedly at times I still do. But mostly I see it as the natural progression of what we both always knew would happen. The kids are heading in their own directions. My time to hover is drawing near (sigh!). Maybe it’s the prednisone taking but I am choosing to take a deep breath and just work on who I will become when this next phase opens up. Looking your mortality in the face will do that.

Really, months before I was diagnosed, this process began. When mom was diagnosed, I did a lot of thinking about her life. How much time she has wasted or ignored her needs in loveless marriages. I know very well that I cannot judge. Life is messy. Marriage is very messy. And neither has a road map for success. But. I struggle to see her missing out on the life and love she deserves. She is so soft but such a strong woman. I know that I don’t know everything she’s been through-and that is terrifying because what I do know is horrendous. I want to be strong like her. But I want to live my life to the fullest and not settle for relationships that are toxic and don’t help me grow.

This all sounds amazing. Life changes! Growth! Spiritual awakening!

But right now, the only place these thoughts live are in my mind and on this screen.

Next step…take action.